It's Complicated

An open letter from Bottle

I'm sad, I don't like being sad. Well I'm certain that no one likes being sad. My friend told me the other day that he's scared for me, because I don't know how to show grief or pain or feelings of sadness. I texted my friend the other day, that I was depressed, I think I was just blowing everything out of proportion. Depression is a heavy word don't you think? Well it is, according to my thinking, I just think I'm sad, it's a feeling, it will fade away soon enough, feelings fade anyway. It better be soon enough, because being sad is not cool. 

All you do is feel sorry for yourself, and cry, which is not fun. I was listening to Andra Day's Rise Up, and I cried, I felt like screaming my lungs out, but I couldn't because my little cousin was downstairs, I didn't want to freak her out. Plus she was going to tell her mum about the whole ordeal, which isn't cool. I think Pepper was right, the one who said he was worried for me because I don't know how to show feelings of discomfort!!, I think he was right. Well it's not like I don't know how to show feelings of discomfort, it's just that I don't want people to see me when I'm down, I hate it when I'm weak, it's not cool. 

Pepper also said that I have unhealthy coping mechanisms, I don't know what to think about that. Like I don't know what to think about a lot of things, I usually don't know what to do when people leave or take advantage of my kindness, I once told my friend that the answer to everything is I don't know, but it's the truth, I genuinely don't know. Anyway below are words of a fictional character from Greys Anatomy, Amelia Shepherd after she lost her brother Derek Shepherd;

"... and everyone here, because they won't understand why he's gone. Why people always leave, why everyone you give a crap about walks away or is ripped from your world without reason..."

Anyway, what a wave of sadness, phew. But alas, we move. I think what's making my sadness worse is that I've been listening to sad songs a lot lately, well I don't think they're sad, just that right now I can feel the lyrics, it's like the songwriter had me in mind when they wrote the lyrics. But I don't know why I cried when Rise Up came on, I really don't know. Maybe the sadness is deeper than I thought. Also, my shazaam is full of melancholy music from movies. I always feel like crying, even right now my eyes are teary, but I can't let these tears flow because then I'll have to explain myself, that's the thing, I can't explain myself. Because I don't know why I'm sad.

From "The Beautyful Ones Are Not Yet Born" 

Well I do know why I'm sad, I've been talking to my friends about the issue. Because of a  moment, one thing about me is that I'm careless, well careless is a bit more unprofessional don't you think!? Let's rephrase, I'm carefree, I live for the moment, whatever happens happens. What's the use of being in love and not loving hard? You have to feel the love, fall hard if you have to, don't let it be safe, let yourself be free, be vulnerable, you'll have something to talk about in years time.

Also I think I'm a bit uptight, once I believe in something I believe in it all the way. I aspire not to be married or have kids, my pyramid hierarchy of priorities goes like this; God, Career, the rest. I hate it when people undermine my decisions and look at me shamefully with a corner of their eye. I've been told I'm going to die alone, I hate people who says that too and I'm always swift to cut them off. Like Margaret, go pop kids and leave me alone please. I know a lady who was once married, but now she's alone, her kids and husband died, it's like she was never alone at the beginning. Can people live their life the way they want without you projecting your fears unto them!! The beauty of life, it's so unpredictable.

What am I talking about? A lot of things definitely. Can we talk about how you'll always remember your first time? Your first time for everything, first kiss, first day at school, at university, and other first times for everything. I don't remember the first time I had alcohol, but I remember the first time I got drunk, I remember my first kiss, I remember my first moment. Firsts usually comes with regrets, it doesn't happen instantly, they usually follow later, especially when attention is lacking. Okay, let's put it this way, you'll regret something if you it happens once then that's it, it never occurs again. You'll always regret having sex with someone after a night out from the club if it only happened once, that night, because you'll be left with loads of questions, regrets are connected to your mind, hence the brain, that's why the questions are always logical, often at times you know answers to those questions.
But if the hook up is proactive, you won't regret anything, you'll be in ecstasy, euphoric and all things out of your mind. Now you're out of your mind, you're in your heart, this usually leads to a heartbreak, which can cause depression. Here you're functioning with your heart an entire clown. But which is worse or better! Regrets or heartbreak? NONE, what's better is nothing ever happening in the first place.
Like I was saying, you will always remember your first time.

Right now I'm angry, about a lot of things. I'm still sad too. I think I need space and time away from everything.

By the way, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for venting here, I'm sorry for being this sad, I'm sorry for always crying with no explanation, I'm sorry for everything. I'm just sorry. 

Sidenote; Hey Bottle, it always get better in the end. So hold on.

Thank you Pepper for submitting this read, I hope my readers will love it.