Godspeed

I am listening to this. 

God Did

A NORM

The first few days were... they were right about the stages of grief, because the first week I convinced myself that no he'll come back and fight for me, he genuinely loves me, I knew that I initiated the breakup but he's my man and he wouldn't let all those memories and moments go down the drain DENIAL. The second week passed and he literally let everything go down the drain, ANGER, I confronted him, because what kind of a person let something they built for a year slip through their hands easily, without a fight, so my anger was rooted from "why are you not seeking for closure? why are you not fighting for me?" I think the anger also came from the fact that a week after our breakup I received this amazing news and I had no one to share them with, like you were my person *pause...why am I crying?* what am I supposed to do with my life right now? And then immediately came this feeling that was super heavy on me, BARGAINING, negotiation, I am willing to take whatever you give lying down, I won't even try to negotiate, it's okay if you see me once in three months as long as you're my person. Please tell me when did the DEPRESSION hit? Was it after after I sent the long text message that was meant to bring closure, but instead I got "I do acknowledge your feelings, but we're never getting back together, I'm sorry". Or when I drank everyday for two weeks, or when I received these great news but I absolutely had no one to share them with, waiting for ACCEPTANCE. Life's hard...

SANITY & CLARITY

Hello sunshines, once again, procrastination wins. But life has been life, baby and I broke up, my birthday is in a few weeks time and I am hoping to spend it in the arms of the absolute love of my life. Let's go back a little, baby and I broke up but it is okay, it is not the kind of breakup that would send me to the psych ward or make me not want to get out of bed for three weeks, I think my emotions were mostly of disbelief, like what??? What do you mean I am no longer in a relationship, plus I had already told my mum about him, told my friends about him and and to be honest the relationship was just not working. The constant desperate fights for his attention, please see me, please call me, please please, everything else was in my head honestly, I think it was the excitement that I had been dating for that long, the stability. I also think what made me sad was the loneliness, like no more good morning texts?? Who do I send memes to now?? But overall I genuinely think we're better off as friends, let's see where this goes, will we be able to go back to default  friendship settings or we're burning bridges!!! Overall he is a good guy, I told him that too, I'm not hurt or sad or mad at him (okay I was a little), but I am definitely not holding any grudges, it is unfortunate that we were not compatible, but I do hope and pray that he shows up as the best version of himself to his next better half. Lerato le Lesedi.

A RETURN TO LOVE

And what do I mean when I say I want to spend my birthday within the arms of the love of my life??? Well I mean exactly that, I don't know maybe it's delusion, but I know what I'm feeling, I see what is happening, the lines might be blurry but...these love, I am going to be bold and say love, but yes, this is the love, songs has been written about, all the great poems, this is it, this has always been it. This is the love that would make me want to be a homemaker, a beautiful house in a village somewhere, chickens in the backyard, seven goats here, flower patches, a small lawn patch next to the fence, an avocado tree for shade, with two cars in a portable parking shade, making my own cheese, jam, I am a big dreamer, I am known for being ambitious, but this is the love that would want me to wake up next to him for the rest of my life and be content with that, because it is the love that fulfills every part of me. He makes me laugh, genuinely laugh, and no one who sees me like he does, celebrates me, and want me to be better than I was yesterday...and we talk, and talk and talk, for hours.; hours not to fill the space of time, there are no awkward moments of silences because there is never moments of silence to fill to begin with. Apart from how he makes me feel, honestly, I'd like to believe that he is the epitome of everything that I have prayed to God about and more; smart, handsome, manly, visionary, caring...that and more. It is just so unfortunate that sometimes soulmates do not end up with each other, such is life.

 "And if life is repeated a thousand times, still you, you, and again, you." Forough Farrokhzad

I still have the rest of my life ahead of me

GODSPEED

God has been answering all of my prayers one by one, also speaking good things over your life works. So there's this new feature on Whatsapp where you can send yourself messages, so I sent myself a message towards the end of March telling myself how I'll be relocating to Switzerland soon, and guess what, exactly two months later I received an email that I'll be travelling to Switzerland, you can't tell this isn't God. Also I realised that everything was paid for except for the visa processing costs, and at that I only have a few thebes in my account, I kneeled down, talked to God that he can't give me this amazing opportunity and not provide for me, I told him exactly how much I needed, a day later someone I met for the first time offered to cover for my visa costs as well as give me money for entertainment, again you can't tell me this isn't God. Anyway so yeah, dikgang di eme hela jalo, I'll be going to Switzerland not just as an ordinary person, but I'll be part of a panelist, speaking on something close to my heart, economics, trade and investments. I feel like the excitement has died down, but this is a dream come true, this is surreal, this is something I talked to God about over and over again, this is a defining moment.

"I have observed something else under the sun. The fastest runner doesn't always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn't always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don't always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time" Ecclesiastes 9:11

I hope this trip to Switzerland becomes a pivotal moment in all aspects of my life, ever since I got this amazing news I've been experiencing feelings of fear lingering over my head that what if this is just it, that nothing great will happen after this, that I will go back to my normal ordinary life, then I remembered something...which leads us to our next theme...

Again, God Did

FAITH

I remembered something, there is this tweet Nomzamo Mbatha posted "My dreams, Lord... You're making all my dreams come true. Your precision. Your attention to detail. Your finesse. Thank you for this season."

Thuso Mbedu who is also a fave tweeted "Being alone in believing in your dream. Fighting and pushing so hard. Then one day you see the pieces come together. You hear God remind you that he told you that you weren't crazy for believing (in) Him. I'm breathing for the first time in a long time."

I think she said that after she got nominated for the Emmy's for the second time, I look at both of their journey's and somehow I see my path reflected in theirs. They've both had their own fair share of struggle in their lives. I remember a conversation I had with my friend and I was telling him how exhausted I am, I was tired of being on survival mode, how for the rest of my life I've been fighting and fighting for a certain kind of life, a better life, a comfortable life, because for the most part of my life I've been living with fear of failure, if I fail, then I'm doomed, I'm the only person who can take care of me, there is no home to go back to. So I live each day sacrificing a lot in hope of a better life, I had to endure a lot of abuse, hate, rejection, criticism, I've always been that kid who tried and tried everything to follow their dreams and was always failing. I said to Tomnie, that I was exhausted and I wanted to go home, the fight wasn't worth it anymore. 

And so you can just imagine what these news meant to me, I hope this is my light at the end of a tunnel, I hope this is my breakthrough, I hope this is my breathing moment, I hope this is God at work, I hope the weight gets lighter and lighter from here onwards, I hope I have reached my resting moment and I can breathe for the first time since forever.

"Godspeed Walter", hence the title, it's a line from Outlander which is a series on Netflix, Claire was running away from war, and Walter was her patient, as the British invaded their camp they had to flee and unfortunately they had to leave Walter and the weak behind because it would too dangerous for them to go on a run, they left them with only hope that the British would be merciful on them because they were weak and sick. As Claire said goodbye to Walter he said to her, "Godspeed Madam Fraser" "Godspeed Walter". What that meant to me, was trust God to get you to safety on time before the enemies catch on you, they may be drawing closer, and you might be tired, but keep moving, and remember smaller steps gets you there faster, even when the progress is slow, it's Godspeed, let him carry you and guide you to the promised land.

...

Godspeed x.

Godspeed ntwana, own lane, own race, own pace