BEGIN AGAIN

 I hate my job.

What a negative opening statement but it is the truth. 

But begin again...(a deleted sentence, because I was young and oversharing, my frontal lobe was still developing)... So yes, I am beginning the process of healing again, one of the things I am doing all over again. I won't lie, but go bothoko. I laugh about it, joke about it with my family, but honestly nothing gets better with age, heartbreak in your mid twenties is like a cannonball hitting you. I think what hurts us the most is expectations, you're thinking to yourself I am old, I am at the age in my life when I should be building towards something. Well I am not thinking it, but you're thinking about starting a family, getting married, buying a house, start saving for retirement, open an investment account for your kids education and and. And you had that planned with someone, or you were hoping to plan that with them, and now you're no longer together you have to begin again. Begin again the process of meeting new people, learning that person, your traumas, your background and all the nitty itty bitties of dating someone new you know. And the most frustrating part is I don't know how to meet new people, everyone that I've dated before I already knew them, oh I know him from church, oh we went to UB together, oh we're from the same village, oh my third year roommate hooked us up, bottomline is, it is never people who are new in my life, it is always people who I'm already familiar with...

I bought a new phone, finally, you can say that. Oh the joy and excitement of having something you've always wanted for a long time. Let's talk about the joy (yes again), the liberation. I am someone who loves taking pictures, capturing moments, and now I can do that without the need to ask someone to borrow you their phone, or not having to ask someone to send you pictures after an event or a night out. I felt this rush of joy when I went for a roadtrip, and I successfully managed to capture the moments, oh and again the liberation. Now what I need is a new macbook and a job at the world bank.

So we're here at twenty six, and for the twenty sixth time I am beginning again. I hope I learn to love again, I hope I learn how to take things slowly, to not be in a rush, to just be in the moment, to just be, to not worry about my future, to trust the process more, completely surrender to it. I decided to take a break last semester from school, and I'm... 

This blog was drafted and never completed on the 23rd of September 2023